Where Did My Boobs Go?!

Boobs are comprised of glands suspended in fat.  Sounds really sexy when I put it that way, right? Because you can’t choose where you lose fat, your boobs may be affected when you start dropping pounds.  It might be one of the first places you lose fat, depending on your individual fat distribution.  I was horrified when it started happening to me.  My only saving grace is that they got smaller rather proportionally to the rest of my body.
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Sept 2016:  Gained some abs, lost a lot of boobs.
To be fair, I’ve never had big boobs to begin with.  My boobs just disappeared.  Other women who had more tissue to begin with talk about ‘sagging’ or ‘deflating’.   As a result, I see a lot of women asking what can be done about their boob loss.  Some trainers say you can perk the girls up by doing some exercises (search “at-home boob lift”).

The truth of the matter is, chest exercises may have a slight effect on how much bigger your chest looks, but it won’t give you magically fuller and perkier breasts like the ones seen on Pinterest/Instagram.  For example, Dani Reardon, IFBB Women’s Physique Pro, has incredibly developed chest muscles and no breast implants:

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I find the fitness industry to be incredibly misleading in this aspect.  Fitness models and many female bodybuilders have hard six-pack abs and beautifully full and perky breasts, and many women aspire to this aesthetic.  What people don’t realize is how incredibly ubiquitous breast implants are, and how incredibly skilled and talented surgeons are.  These implants just create another hard to attain beauty standard – as if having abs wasn’t hard enough!

Don’t get me wrong – chest exercises are amazing.  It does add size and does perk up your girls to an extent.  It is also important in creating a balanced physique, and in increasing strength.

What they won’t do is give you boobs like these:

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Look at those gorgeous boobs!  Look at those abs!  Who wouldn’t want to give those workouts a try after seeing those photos?

For the record, I have nothing against breast implants.  Many female bodybuilders get silicone implants because they recognize that 1) boobs are body fat, and they will shrink when getting into contest shape, and 2) no amount of chest exercises will bring them back to their former glory.  I have them myself, and it’s the best $5000 I’ve ever spent.

With that in mind, I’ve come up with my own ‘moves’ for getting boobs like the ones above.  It’s guaranteed to work, and you’ll see the results almost instantaneously.

  1.  Google “plastic surgeon in <your city>”
  2.  Look on www.realself.com for reviews and before/after pictures.
  3.  Schedule consults with different surgeons to see what your options are.
    1. You’ll actually get to ‘try on’ different sizes by stuffing them into a sports bra and wearing a shirt over it.
  4.  Acquire money.
  5.  Get surgery.
  6.  Follow surgeon’s orders on recovery exactly.  Wear the horrible granny bras.  Don’t work out and focus on recovery.  Wait for them to settle into their pockets (they start off a bit high at first and then move into their proper places).
  7.  Enjoy your new, big and beautiful boobs.  Marvel at how great they look next to your hard-earned abs.
Bet you gained a butt though. That’s a plus for me!

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